Grapefruit Kiss
by OthilaOdal
Summary: After his death, Mello reveals an untold truth about his obsession with the detective L, about his very first venture into romance and about how he learnt the painful lesson of love.


**Grapefruit Kiss.**

**Rating: M.**

**Summary: **After his death, Mello reveals an untold truth about his obsession with the detective L, about his very first venture into romance and about how he learnt the painful lesson of love.

**Pairings:** LxMello, MattxMello.

**Warnings:** Yaoi, Shohnen ai, underage sex, Mello's beautiful mouth and my complete and utter lack of shame.

**Author's Notes:** Just a one-shot idea that has been with me for a while. I wouldn't recommend this to anyone who has a problem with Mello being paired with anyone besides Matt and also to those who're going to cringe at L and Mello's age gap. There's a reason this fic is M. It's not the most decent thing out there. But I guess that's the center point of fanfiction anyways. Also, this is just me taking a short break from my multi-chapter fic...just to get the creative juices flowing...and to practice writing difficult topics.

**Inspiration:** comes in a bottle of lotion.

**Disclaimer:**I do not own Death Note.

* * *

**Grapefruit Kiss.**

There's been a confession that I've wanted to make for ages. Something Matt only recently found out. I wish to come clean of it. Admit it, publicly, once and for all. Now that Matt knows and I know that this little secret will never come between us, never fade our fire, I'm alright with coming clean.

My first wasn't Matt.

I wish he was but I'd be lying if I said so. Not that lying is or was ever against my personal beliefs but the guilt in the back of my mind whenever Matt held me and said, "Can't believe we got it right the first time" just made me want to yell "Not my first, Matt, not my first."

My first broke my brittle self-esteem, though I highly doubt he meant to do so. I realize his pain, his burden and don't blame him whatsoever for what happened between us. I was a child that knew how to get what he wanted. I had promised to take it to the grave with me but even in the beyond this past haunts me. I can't lie anymore. I want my catharsis. I want to make peace with this….once and for all.

My first was L.

Yes, the world's greatest detective, L. And how could I not love him? He was perfect. I had spent ages bent over newspapers reading his cases. The way he seemed to draw such accurate conclusions always baffled me, made me marvel at the thoughts that ran through his head. I wanted to know more and more. It just wasn't enough to be reading the emotionless words of some newspaper journalist that probably couldn't even comprehend the complexity of the case or the thoughts in L's head. I needed his words.

"I need to know, Roger." I had decided to go speak to Roger about wanting to read L's cases in L's own hand, his own words. "The way these journalists portray the case is so lacking in detail. How am I expected to learn when I'm not given enough information?"

"But L doesn't share his files and you know that, Mello." Roger had, after half an hour of pestering, decided to give me an answer.

"There has to be a way!" A slammed my palms against his mahogany desk, demanding release from the fire within me.

My antics had gotten me L's attention. Roger had spoken to Watari and Watari had spoken to L. And L had decided to pass his writings about the specific case I had been studying at the time.

For a while I was content with simply the smudged letters on thick paper that must've spilled through L's fingers. It had even been exciting at first. _It's the very paper L touched._ I thought when I was first given the loosely bound papers. _Where did he touch them, I wonder? I wonder if I can find finger prints. _I had smelt the papers, held them close to my chest, refused to part with them even when I went to sleep. But after a while the smell faded, marred with my own, and it wasn't enough anymore. I wanted more.

"I've got questions for him." Roger stared at me from over his desk. "I can't be expected to learn without being given answers."

This antic, however, hadn't gotten me to the end I had been hoping for. L had decided to address our entire batch and answer all of our questions. I had stared at the laptop on the teacher's desk with the calligraphic L on the screen. Everyone was so excited. I on the other hand was disappointed. I should've taken a different angle. I wanted him to myself. I wanted to hear his voice not some edited crap through the speaker of a laptop. I asked no questions, simply observed as he answered everyone else's. _Is he aware of me?_ I thought. _Is he watching me? Is he searching for the boy who pesters him and looks for answers?...Does he like what he sees?_

I realized, however, that L was most likely aware of my motives and had therefore opted for a group Q and A session instead of a one-on-one session. He knew that answers weren't my primary objective. My primary objective was to have him.

Roger had later called me and asked why I didn't ask any questions, despite the session being held mainly for my sake.

"If it was for my sake, perhaps, I should've been informed that it was for me." I had barked back, snapping at my bar of chocolate. "A public place doesn't belong to me even if it was built for me, similarly, a group session isn't a session for me even if I'm the reason it was held." Roger sighed and took off his glasses.

"Mello, Liste-"

"Save your breath, Roger. If L had any respect for other's hard work, he'd pay it back with what one deserves and not be such a bitch about it." I glanced at the partially lidded laptop on the bookshelf to my left. _I know you're watching. _I thought. _I want you to hear me, see me, take me._ "Besides, everyone asked all the wrong questions and gave me proof of just how easily they can be fooled by this bullshit. It makes maneuvering up the ranks a lot easier for me. Tell L, I said thank you for that."

I turned to leave.

"I don't understand you, Mello." Roger asked just as I turned the handle. "What do you wish to achieve?"

_How will you ever understand the fire in my heart?_ "Nothing of consequence." I replied, smile returning to my face. "I just wish to free L of his burden."

The greatest detective of the century, his burden must be great. What Roger or anyone else listening in on the conversation would perceive would be simple. He, Mello, wants to justify his want for L's power by convincing the world that he wants to relieve L of his burden. But L and I are beyond such petty charades. He knows the burden I speak of isn't sleepless nights of chasing down phantasms and serial murderers. He knows the burden is the loneliness, the need to physically have someone with you.

I hadn't expected such words of underlying meaning and emotional baggage to have an effect on him but they had. A month later Roger had informed me that L was back in England and that I was allowed to spend a week in his company. However, to reduce risk of jealousy, I was to attend classes in the morning and then through this moving shelf behind Roger's desk that led through a passageway and eventually outside the Wammy gates, I was to go and wait for a car to pick me up and take me to L. [Save your breath about the coolness of the moving shelf. I and Matt had discovered it ages ago.]

Dream come true? Almost.

I remember feeling like my heart was about to explode with excitement. I had been waiting for this for far too long. I had been daydreaming in class and that is extremely out of character of me. I almost never daydream in class unless the lesson is stupendously boring. Even then I'm more likely to point out the teacher's errors or pass notes to Matt than daydream.

"Psst! So, you're coming over after class right?" Matt's voice had brought me back to the pastel colors of Wammy's classrooms.

"What?"

"After class, you're coming over right?"

_How in the world did I forget this?_ I thought mentally slamming a palm against my forehead.

"Sorry, Matt." I gave him an apologetic smile. "I can't."

"Why not?" His shoulders slumped visibly.

"I want to work on my term paper." I lied. "I feel like I'm really getting somewhere and you know it's best to write when you're in the mood."

"But you promised!" His brows were furrowing. I could tell, despite the untidy copper mop on his head falling over his forehead. "I thought I told you how much I hate it when you bail like that! Why couldn't you tell me earlier, dude?"

_Jeez! How can someone younger than me be so Goddamn annoying!_

"Whatever, Matt." I picked up my bag a second before the bell rang. "I can't hang out today."

"But it's gaming night!"

"I gotta go, Matt." I whined.

I left for Roger's office, turning back to make sure no one was following me. _Good riddance. _I thought, pushing open the door. _I'll just spend time with him when I get back._

It's not that I didn't like spending time with Matt. He was my best friend after all, but still, going two doors down to his room and playing some lame video game all day in comparison to going and meeting the world's greatest detective in person? Was there even a competition? And if there was, Matt must've lost ages ago.

Beyond Wammy's gates, I didn't have to wait. The car was already waiting for me, ready to pick me up and take me to the one person I had been aching for. The ride there, however, made my heart race so hard with excitement, I thought I might just throw up. I was blindfolded to make sure I wouldn't know where we were going, but Watari and L both were kidding themselves. I knew the streets of Winchester by heart by then and nothing they could do would confuse me about where we were headed.

I was hauled out of the car and into a hotel lobby, into an elevator and finally into L's hotel room. I was then given a seat and told to wait….blindfolded. I sat there wondering the most nerve wrecking thoughts. _Do I look okay? Am I underdressed? _I thought despite previously making sure I wore my best short sleeved, rather slim fitting black shirt and matching capris with flip flops. _Is my hair alright? I swear if this blindfold ruins my hair I will kill rabbits! I hope I'm not going too red. A little red will be alright. It'd add much needed color to my cheeks. But do light bronzed skin and blush pink go well together? Oh God I hope it isn't pink! Peach is okay. Please don't be pink! Even more, please. Don't. be. Red. PLEASE!_

I heard the door behind me creek open. I sat up straight.

"Well you've finally got what you wanted." An exhausted voice spoke lazily to me. _It's him! It's him, isn't it?_ My breath grew heavy. A grin spread shamelessly over my face and I could swear I was going red.

"Not yet, I haven't." I replied. The giggles were rich in my voice, the excitement so unbearable that I ripped my blindfold off.

He stood before me, a circular table between us. He had skin pale as old paper, broad hunched over shoulders and despite the lack of visible health on his skin, his height was impressive for someone of his age. [He was twenty-three at the time.] He was clad in loose fitting jeans that ripped around his ankles and a loose fitting white shirt that fell around his wrists and left me begging for a view of what they hid under them.

He sat on the chair across from me like a monkey on branch but looked at me through eyes of a predator. I licked my lower lip.

"Are you happy now?" He asked. A little smile spread on his features softening his eyes and I almost felt my heart melt right out of my rib cage.

"How do I know you're L?" I cocked a brow. "Considering how eager L was to hide from me, he might've sent a decoy."

His brows creased upwards in exhaustion, three of four fingers of his hand lightly hit his forehead and he rolled his eyes. "Don't try to be unnecessarily smart." He said in a voice smooth as silk that made me feel warm all over. "You're here because I didn't want you to look for some other way to contact me. I am L, I can assure you."

He didn't need to say it. It was already so obvious. It had to be him. It couldn't be anyone else. Before I knew it I was in his arms, burying my head against the bone where his ribs met.

"You've made me wait too long."

The rest of the day, I spent following L around like a shadow, bombarding him with questions, speaking extensively about his cases and stealing chocolate chip cookies off his plate. Watari joined us shortly and, much to my dismay, spent the rest of the day with us. L even asked me questions about his cases, took my opinion into account, sat for hours explaining things to me. He seemed to be enjoying it after a while, like the company was very welcome.

Dream come true? Not yet.

By the time I got back, I was so starstruck, I had a permanent smile on my face and my head was so far up in the clouds I felt I wasn't walking on the ground anymore.

The next two days were pretty much the same. Matt would ask me if I'm coming over. I'd say no. I'd go to see L. Hang out with L and Watari and come back with a head full of mush. The third night when I reached back I decided to go out for jog in the field. Hence, putting on my joggers, undershirt and football shorts, I left the Wammy building and ran circles in the fields outside. It was nine in the evening and the moon was out. I jogged in the tracks for a while before I heard a voice in a distance call out my name. I looked up at the boy's block to find a copper headed goggled boy leaning out of his window. I ran towards the boy's block.

"What is it?" I called out.

"Have you heard the news?" The boy was grinning at me full on.

"What news?"

"Tomorrow's classes got cancelled!" Matt did a little dance.

"Cancelled?"

"Yeah!" He grinned, seating himself on the ledge. "Mrs. Wilson slipped and hurt her hip. And they can't find a substitute at such short notice."

"How long have you known this?"

"For an hour now." He shrugged. "Anyways, we're going to town tomorrow. You wanna come?"

"I-I don't know." I muttered. "I'll be upstairs in a few!" I called back.

I ran upstairs, taking two steps at a time and dashed towards Roger's office like my life depended on it.

"Roger!" I whizzed the door open and it slammed against the wall noisily.

Roger stared at me from the top of his eyes, clearly unimpressed by my drama.

"What is it now?"

"Tomorrow." I panted. "We don't…have classes…tomorrow."

"Don't worry. It doesn't affect your grade." He shuffled a few papers on his desk and picked up a pen. I walked in and shut the door behind me, giving myself time to breathe.

"Roger, can I spend the whole day with L tomorrow?"

His pen stopped and he looked at me over his glasses again. "But Watari won't be around in the morning and I'm not sure if L will be okay with taking care of a child on his own."

"I'm thirteen, Roger!" I argued loudly, hands clenched into fists. If Watari wasn't going to be there, it was more of a reason for being with L. "I'm not a child anymore. And I don't bother him! He likes having me around!"

"Wait outside while I check with them." Roger sighed and I left at once, not keen on ruining my chances.

I tapped my joggers against the clean floors staining them with dirt.

_Tap tap tap tap taptap tap tap taptaptap tap tap taptaptaptaptaptap._

The door creaked open and I stared wide-eyed. _Please let it be a yes. I need this. I have to have this!_

Roger took off his glasses and a handkerchief and began wiping the lens of his glasses. _Hurry up, old man!_

"Watari will be here at seven to pick you up." He said. _What else?_ "And he'll drop you off at L's. He'll be back late in the afternoon. Till then, try not to trouble L too much."

He hadn't even finished saying it when I was running back to my own room. I could hear my heart pounding in my chest. The day was finally here when there would be no one between me and L not Roger, not Watari, not Matt not even that blasted Near! I would have him for myself at last.

"Mello?" I heard a voice behind me as I unlocked my door. _It's him again isn't it? _I thought. _Can't he leave me alone?_ I turned around and sure enough it was my goggle clad clingy as hell best friend. "What took you so long, dude?"

"Nothing." I muttered, letting him follow me into my room. "I had to see Roger."

"So you're coming right?" He looked at me excitedly. If anything, I would've compared Matt to a dog, loyal, clingy, dumb and loud. Any more excitement and I fear he'd sprout a couple of button ears like that of a Jack Russell and a happily whipping tail.

"Coming where?"

"Hellooo? We're going to town tomorrow." He whined propping himself in my bed. "I just told you a while back. Were you even listening?"

"I-I can't." I replied taking my under shirt off. Matt sat up straight.

"But I already decided where we'd go." He tried to keep the whine out of his voice but he couldn't hide it from me.

"I really want to work, Matt." I dropped my pants and walked into my bathroom.

The boy followed after me but stayed in the doorway.

"Mell, you've been working for three days straight." He fidgeted with the door frame. "And don't take your clothes off in front of people like that."

I ignored his remark, stepped into the bath and pulled the curtains between us. I've had too much habit of bathing around boys in the locker room to care about it anymore, despite being gay. Matt on the other hand turned thirteen four months ago, never plays outside anyway and was probably straight as a lance….or so I thought.

"I know I've been working non-stop but Matt this is really important." I called out while washing my hair. "You know I need to do well on my term papers."

"Yeah yeah." He sighed. "Well, you better get better grades than Near this time or it won't be worth me having to go in town alone."

_No, Matt. It's totally worth it. You'd never understand._

"Matt, I'm in a good mood right now so….don't kill it yeah?" I reached for my towel and wrapped it around my waist.

"Good mood?" he cocked a brow. "Why's that?"

"Tomorrow is a holiday. I get more time to work on my essay." I lied without hesitation or remorse as I walked by him and out of the bathroom.

"Well good for you." He said, crawling into my bed again. He watched as I dried my hair, humming to myself.

_I want to be ready for tomorrow. I want L to take me tomorrow and I'll have it no matter what._ I thought. _Now let's see…_ I pulled out a bottle of lotion and squeezed a line out on my left arm.

"ummm….What're you doing?" Matt asked.

_Really? Must he question me every time I move a muscle?_

"Moisturizing." I replied rubbing the cool cream over one arm first, then squeezing out another line on my other arm I rubbed it into my skin, slowly, smiling at what it'd feel like to have L touch my skin. I moved on to my legs and lastly my chest.

"Matt?" I turned around to find the boy was still staring at me. _What is he gawking at?_ "Care to rub some lotion into my back?" I asked taking the bottle in his direction.

"Who? Me?"

_Is he stupid?_

"Yes, you, silly!" I rolled my eyes. "Who else?" I lied down on the soft mattress, smiling lightly at the feel of soft white cotton sheets against my bare chest and handed him the bottle.

He took it hesitantly and poured a cool generous amount on my back. He rubbed it in with much hesitation, only his fingertips meeting my back at first, then just his eight fingers and eventually he went all in with his palm and his thumbs. He was thorough and good at it, once he got past his shyness and rubbed the knots out of my back completely.

"I-I-I think I'm done." He said, finally. I turned over to my side and placed a hand on my ear to prop my head up.

"Matt?" I smiled at the copper haired boy. "Do I smell nice?"

"I-How should I know?" His eyes darted away from mine and his face went red. I cocked a brow.

_Silly silly Matt._

"Well you could at least tell me if it feels good to touch my skin." I whined, brow still cocked in pride. "Well, does it feel good?"

"I don't know, Mello." His brows furrowed in irritation. "Jeez! Why do you ask such things?"

"Well smell it then and it tell me if it smells good." I raised my free hand to his face. He stared down at me in silence. I wondered what the hell he was looking at me for. But I suppose it was a little weird, having your best friend clad in nothing but a towel around his hips, telling you to smell him. _God! straight people can be so insecure!_

He took my raised hand gently in his. His touch was so light I could barely feel it there. He lowered his lips close to my wrist, lidded his eyes and ran his face slowly down my arm, inhaling, until he reached my shoulder. His eyes flickered open and he looked me in the eye. Deep blue eyes stared intensely at me. I smiled at the way his lips parted lightly. _Yes, I can turn the straightest people._

"What does it smell like?" I whispered.

"Ahem!" He cleared his throat and straightened his back, letting go off my hand and letting it drop on my side. "I-It smells like some exotic fruit."

My smile spread. "Is it good?"

"Y-yeah." He turned his head away.

I picked the bottle from next to him and waved it in his face. "Grapefruit Kiss." I said. "It's called grapefruit kiss, Matt. Hence, I smell like grapefruits."

The next day I made my way through the passageway to find the car waiting for me. The drive went by really fast this time and I was there within no time. I took my blindfold off, once Watari had left, and stood by the window watching the dew trail downwards as the blue gave way to orange and the sun made its presence known before rising.

"There you are, Mello." I hear L's voice behind me. He sounded tired.

"Here I am." I said turning around. "And here we are."_ Without Watari._

"mmm…yes." He sat down and took a bite of cake. I smiled and turned back towards my reflection. I was wearing a sleeveless black midriff and black plaid capri pants and flip flops. _I hope this is alright._

"L? What's the most painful thing about being you?"

The sound of the spoon against his plate stopped. I turned around to face him.

"Painful?" He asked. "It's not painful being me."

"It's painful being everyone." I said taking a few steps towards him "That is until one finds a way to suppress the pain."

"Well, I'm doing what I like so, there's nothing particularly painful about it."

"Do you deny taking more precaution than is necessary to keep your identity a secret?" I sat next to him in the two-seater.

"It's exactly the amount of precautions necessary, Mello." He replied, watching me with curious large eyes. "You'll understand it someday."

"Let me rephrase that." I waved a hand between us. "Do you deny taking more precaution than you would want to keep your identity a secret?"

"Sometimes what is necessary, needs to be done, despite wants."

"But what if someone could give you what you had to give up…what you want?" He stared at me for a while, measuring my words.

"You wouldn't know what I want." He looked away from me and smiled.

"But I do know." I took his hand and placed it on my chest feeling the cool of his hands sooth the burning desire in my chest. He stared at his hand, settled against a boy's chest and eventually pulled it away.

"What're you implying?"

"Don't put up that façade around me, L." I pleaded. "I know you like having me around. Accept it. I wouldn't mind you using me. In fact, I want you to." I clung to his arm.

"You're just a kid."

"I'm not." I moved to my knees and took my shirt off. "And I don't care." I placed a hand on his cheek and pulled him to face towards me. _Look at me._ His lips parted slightly.

"You know you want to, L." I pouted. "And I wouldn't mind if you do. In fact, I'd like it if you would." I took his hand and kissed each of his fingertips one by one, lightly lidding my eyes. "In fact," My voice dropped to a whisper. "Let me, L. Let me ease your pain, give you what you desire," I bit my lower lip "Let me fill the void." I licked lightly at the tip of his middle finger. "I want you to do this to me." I sucked at it, until it was all in and wet. "I want to become the embodiment of your wildest dreams."

His breath was ragged but his black eyes stared intensely at me. He dropped his head. I bent and pulled his chin up so he'd look me in the eye.

"Don't be ashamed of wanting it." I whispered. "There's nothing wrong with that." Our foreheads met. "I won't hold it against you."

Our lips met softly. His were cold and wet and mine were rather small. His hand grabbed the back of my neck rather harshly and pulled me deeper into the kiss. I gasped. He dove, snaking in my mouth, filling it up with the taste of sugar. I tackled at his tongue wanting to feel it against my own, wanting to wash away the sugar.

"Mello." He pulled away, panting. "You're much too young."

"Stop saying that." I whined. I sat myself on his thigh. My pants were getting tighter, hips moving of their own will to rub my crotch against him. I kissed him on the neck and ran my hand over his chest. He gasped. _He could stop me if he wanted to. But he doesn't want to stop. He wants me. He's been much too lonely._

One of my hands found its way behind his neck, into the abyss of his hair. Oh he smelt of sugar and tasted much much better. I let my hand wander to his shaft and was surprised to find him hard. I let my lips leave his neck and met his eyes. I smiled at him. "Don't be ashamed." I whispered.

I undid his button and zipper and pulled out his shaft. He was hard and big and ready. I was needy and craving and, my pants were cramping up. I took him in my mouth as far as my little mouth could manage. He moaned. _He's been lonely for far too long._ I gasped and pulled up, a string of spit still connecting my mouth to the head. He grabbed me by the underside of my thighs and picked me up.

"Ah! L!" I wrapped my arms around his neck.

He threw me onto the couch, hurriedly unbuttoning my pants. "Yes." I panted, grining. "Oh God Yes."

He pulled them right off of me and parted my legs painfully, sending a jolt of pain on the inner side of my thighs. An undignified sound erupted from my lips. My chest heaved. He placed himself between my legs, spat into his hand and wet me up.

"Ah! Oh!" I moaned like the slut that I was beginning to feel like. I wasn't joking when I said "embodiment of your wildest dreams". I bit my lips. "Fuck me." I groaned. "C'mon baby."

I should've thought that invitation through. You see, like I mentioned, this was my first time and L was far too big for a thirteen year old so when he entered I didn't just moan, I downright cried in pain. My back arched and my neck stiffened, throwing my head back.

He stopped.

"No. Keep going." I panted, licking my lips. "I can take this."

I grabbed at the cushion under my head, letting my nails scrape the fabric. He slowly pushed himself further in. The pain radiated through my legs, curling my toes.

"Mello…"

I looked at him, tears pouring from my eyes. I smiled.

"It's okay." I told him. "Don't be ashamed." He pounded against me, slow at first then gradually increasing pace. I raked at his back. My moans had become so constant that it felt strange when silence fell between us. But eventually he finished and silence did fall between us. My entire body was aching and shivering.

He pulled on his pants without a word or a glance. I sat up as gracefully as could be managed with my wobbly legs. I placed a hand on his back.

"L." I smiled. "Are you alright?"

"No." I felt my brows crease upwards. The heat left my neck.

"What's wrong?"

"I should never have done this." His back shuddered under my touch. He buried his face in his hands and believe it or not, the world's greatest detective cried before me. "I'm so sorry Mello. Using a child so young as you, where is my sanity? What's wrong with me? Have I truly become a monster?" He looked up. His eyes were wide as ever but overflowing with tears.

_No! This is not what I wanted! This isn't right! I didn't want to hurt him!_

"You're not a monster!" I cried. "What's wrong? Please…" _Please, understand me! _"I didn't mean for this to hurt you. I was trying to…." _Trying to what, Mello? Trying to get what you wanted? Trying to be selfish as always? Trying to be proud and pretend that you can do just about anything? No! Please, No!_ I simply stared at him wide-eyed in realization that I was the most selfish fuck to walk on the planet.

Silent hot tears started pouring down my bronzed cheeks washing away sweat, sex and the Grapefruit Kiss. L placed my pants in my lap and put an arm around my shoulders.

"It's my fault, Mello." He said. "I'm much older than you. I should've known better. I should've had more control over myself."

I leaned into his shoulder. "It's my fault. I should never have pushed you into it." I looked up at him. My lips quivered uncontrollably. "Please, please, don't think less of me. I don't know how I convinced myself that I was doing this for your sake. I don't know how I got this way."

The truth was there wasn't one person to blame. If I look at it from an entirely detached perspective I can't see how L could've done it. And what's worse, I can't comprehend without hurting my chest how much of a whore I must've come off as. What made me think I could bring him solace? What made me think I wasn't doing this for myself? Why did I not think how much I would hurt him by doing this?

It is only then that I understood the difference between want and love. Want is selfish and cruel. Love is care and concern. Love is putting someone else before yourself despite wanting otherwise. And I didn't love L. I wanted L.

He left me there alone in the two-seater where we had so recently made love and left for the other room. I didn't have the courage to go after him. I pulled on my pants and shirt and left the hotel room. I found myself walking towards the stairwell, crying uncontrollably. I sat in the stairwell and cried my miserable disgusting self away. My chest was soaked with tears. My tired arms wrapped as tightly as they could around my legs and I rocked myself back and forth to rid myself of the hollow where my heart used to be. I fell asleep like this.

When I woke up it was dark outside. I made my way down the stairs and out of the hotel. I looked around the streets to check if I knew where I was. I know Winchester too well. I made my way back to Wammy's house, one exhausted dejected step at a time. Upon reaching back I made no attempts to hide the fact that I had been outside and went straight for my bedroom.

I opened the door to find a certain copper haired boy lying fast asleep in my bed. _He knows I wasn't here._ I didn't want to wake him up. I wiped my tears and went for my desk. It was littered with papers written by L and the newspapers I had collected to follow L's case. My chest ached just looking at them. I tried to shuffle them around to make room for something else and ended up toppling a couple of books over.

"Whazzat?" Matt sat up groggily. His eyes searched around until they fell on me. "Hey! Mello!" He smiled. "I've been waiting for so long." He got off the bed and moved towards me, forehead creasing in worry. "Uh…y'know, you could've told me you go to see L." I looked at him in disbelief. "Roger told me. It's pretty cool man! I'm really proud of you. And you could've told me. I'd never be jealous." His eyes darted away and one of his hands gripped at his elbow. "You deserve to be ahead of me, Mello. You're like the best."

A pained smile spread across my face.

"Well, anyways. I was waiting for so long." He continued. "I just wanted to say it's okay that you didn't hang out for so long. I was a little angry at first but it's cool now. Anyways, I hope you have time for video games…..I mean…" His eyes darted around the entire room. His feet shuffled, one against the other. His cheeks went so red with color that I could've forgotten that he was a pale boy devoid completely of the sun. "I mean….I-I've sorta..like m-missed you…y'know…I mean it's nothing…uh…forget I said that."

My eyes grew slightly in size. _What is this?_ I thought. _How did I never see this? He loves me, doesn't he? He cares for me. He always forgives me before I apologize. He always waits on every word I say. He waits on me when I'm not around. He hates it when I take off my clothes around him. He watches my every move. He hesitates before touching me. How did I never notice? Why am I so blind?_

I fell to my knees immediately, hand clasped straight against each other as though I was begging for his forgiveness.

He kneeled in front of me, eyes wide with worry.

"H-hey! Mell!" He cried, placing his hands on mine. "I said it was okay. D-don't worry about it. Shit! Did I go too hard on you? Forget it. I was never mad. I swear."

He took me in my arms looking baffled and worried and I felt complete, forgiven, reborn.

_How long have I left you waiting?_ I wondered. _I swear I'm here, now. I swear it._

* * *

In case you're wondering, I did see L again, a short while before he moved to Japan to move in on Kira. I was called to Roger's office right in the middle of class, which was, of course, not okay with me.

"Roger," I barged through the door. "How many times must I-"

There was a pale man sitting before me like a monkey on the branch of a tree. His eyes were watching me as though he was a predator. Roger was nowhere in the room.

I shut the doors behind me.

"You never came back for the rest of the week." He said.

"I'm sorry." I stared at my feet. "I couldn't."

"I'm sorry for scarring you for the rest of your life." He left his seat and stared outside the window. "It's not what I wanted."

"It was my fault and we both know it." I said. "If it hadn't been for me it would never have happened."

"We're both somewhat wrong in that case."

A silence fell between the two of us that seemed to linger forever.

"Enough about that." He said smiling at me. "How're your studies coming along?"

"Quite good actually." I replied taking a few steps closer to him. "I might beat Near this time."

He chuckled. "Well good luck then."

He was the world's greatest detective. His burden was unbearable and I empathized so strongly with him. I respected him, cared for him, yearned for his acknowledgment. But I didn't love him and I was alright with that.

We spent the rest of the day talking about the Kira case and he yet again, sat and listened to my opinions, taking them into careful consideration and trying to get me to understand things.

And then he left. I never saw him again…because he never came back.

I didn't immediately get into a relationship with Matt either. I wanted to wait it out, be careful and considerate, be sure I was ready, be sure of what I wanted, be sure I wasn't going to be selfish with him. We grew ever closer in our friendship and I learnt to appreciate his company, to care for him like he cared for me.

But it wasn't until I had burnt a quarter of my face and my back that I finally realized that I did in fact love Matt back. It was in those moments of absolute pain that nothing else mattered to me, just Matt, just how much I regretted never having told him how much I loved him, just how sad it was to be so close to death and not have him by my side.

He was kind, considerate, beautiful, patient. He knew what to do with me. And I was in love with him.

So when I finally met him, all those years after leaving Wammy it was like being given a second chance. We had agreed to meet in a certain alleyway and I had gotten there early just to make sure he wouldn't have to wait too long.

"Mello?" His voice warmed my back. It was rougher than I remembered, thicker than I remembered but it was his voice, without a doubt.

I turned around to find him pulling down his goggles. Blue eyes looked at me with such affection, such longing, that words would just fail to explain. Copper hair blew slightly in the wind.

"I was waiting for so long to see you again." He said taking my hands in his.

"And not a single day went by without the thought of you." I told him.

He took me in his arms, kissed my cheek and I knew I belonged.

"I love you, Matt."

"I love you too."

I could feel his cheeks growing hot and wet with tears.

"You still smell the same." He said smiling at me through his tears. "Like Grapefruit Kiss."

**THE END.**

* * *

**Author's Notes: **Well, just to let you know, grapefruit kiss is a limited edition Victoria's Secret lotion that an aunt got for me once. And it smells like heaven…Therefore, Mello must smell like it. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it. I will greatly appreciate any favs and reviews…if you enjoyed it enough to leave me one. Thank you for reading.


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